Growth, Nurturing, repaired, Uncategorized

You Are Not The Jones’, Stay in Your Wage!

                                    You Are Not The Jones’, Stay In Your Wage!

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We have all heard the sayings, “Look at them, trying to keep up with the Jones,” or  “Don’t go broke trying to look rich.” I am sure that in some point in your life, you have tried to be the Jones’, well at least I know I have!

Trying to live that lifestyle when in reality all you can really afford is the pickle from a double cheeseburger. Yet you still order the Double quarter pounder with cheese, wait no with EXTRA cheese! Meanwhile; you are facing eviction, your gas is turned off, your light bill is 3 months overdue and your car insurance lapsed last year. How do I know this scenario all so well? Because I have been there before.

I remember when I had my son in 2011, living in Depew, NY with my son’s father, working a $9.86 hourly job. Our rent was $650 and I cant quite remember how much our car insurance was. Tax season had came around and that $5,000 hit my account and I said ” ITS TIME TO GO SHOPPING!” I came home with Michael Kors, Jordans, Old Navy and bags from just about every store! If you noticed, you don’t see that I said I paid a bill.

Rent was two months late, NYSEG (electric company) was months and months behind and if you know Buffalo, we didn’t even consider driving in Cheektowaga because our car insurance had lapsed.

Fast forward to 2012. Another tax season comes and do you think I even considered catching up on bills? Absolutely NOT. This time I said okay, I’m going to get a car! I went to the car lot, put down a $2800 down payment with a car note of $356 and a monthly car insurance payment of $176 on a 2005 car.  You can bet after purchasing the car, I went straight to the mall. Meanwhile, the whole time I’m swiping my card, my property manager is putting an eviction notice on my door for the third time.  That’s right, THIRD eviction. The second eviction was avoided by selling  a PS3, a futon and other items to make the money for the rent.  But this eviction, was unavoidable and I had a week to vacate.

I had finally found an apartment on the West side because I was too good to live on the East side! Let me tell y’all how God humbled me. There was an issue with the gas meter so my gas wasn’t able to get turned on which meant no hot water or hot meals! There was also an issue with the lights and I had also used a chunk of my money on the security deposit so my fridge was bare. Because of those living conditions, I couldn’t allow my son to stay there. Everyday I would take him to his fathers house and when I got off work, I would take him to the park and play until his father got off. One day when I pulled up to the park, I could not stop crying. I just couldn’t believe that trying to impress others had me living like this. I finally decided that I needed to get my life back on track with God and obviously manage my finances better.

Funny thing was I was going to church and praying. But that was the issue, I was going for the attendance but not applying the word to my life!

After the breakdown and being naked before God, I finally found an apartment on the East side; funny I know.  I had also made the decision to voluntarily give my car back so I was back on the NFTA. BUT I had a fridge full of food and I had money placed aside.

Lets fast forward to now ( I know, I know, how many times is she going to fast forward), I am the closest that I have ever been to God, I have not seen an eviction notice since 2012, our bills are paid on time, both cars have car insurance, I TRY to budget and I LIVE WITHIN my means!

Now why did I decide to let you in my life? Because someone had to show the ugly side! We have to see that you don’t have to have the latest fads! You don’t have to compete! Know what you can afford and stick with it!  Don’t keep up with Jones’, keep up with YOURSELF!

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Uncategorized

That girl got some daddy issues! 

I know I said that I’d only blog once a week but this topic has been only mine A LOT! It is 12:43 A.M and it’s weighing heavy on my mind… so let’s talk about the huge topic… DADDY ISSUES 

I often see stats from bitc… I mean lovely ladies and men who like to joke and say ” she has daddy issues that’s why she’s this or she’s that” and laughs it off. Truth is ” Daddy issues” HURT A LOT.

We love to say that men need a father figure but what about females? It’s somewhat easier for a male to find a father figure to confide in and teach him the ropes BUT it is not the same for us women.

Men don’t think about the emotional turmoil they leave when they are not there for their daughters. You are supposed to be there to protect us. You’re supposed to be there to love us. You’re supposed to be there to school us on the smooth talking men. You should just be there!

I remember the first time my father broke my heart. From the outfit that I had on , to the weather to the house that I lived in. He had just came home from jail when I first met him. I remember he sat at our living room table before school and said ” I’ll be back.” It was time to leave for school and he still wasn’t back. I wrote a note and left it in the window and said the door was open ( we lived in the hood and thank God we didn’t get robbed lol). I got home from school and he wasn’t there ☹️. He wasn’t there for weeks.

That would be just one of many times that he had broken my heart.  I would see him in public and he’d run away from me. One time , he even slammed the door shut when he seen my family and I walking down the street.  Do you know how much that just crushed my spirit? All I ever wanted and sometimes STILL yearn for is my fathers love.

Years later , we finally established some what of a relationship before he passed away and I asked him; Why did you run? Why didn’t you love me? Why didn’t you save me? Why didn’t you take the pain away? Just why?

All he could say was because he didn’t want me to see him in the state that he was in.. an alcoholic & a hustler ( this would be why to this day, I don’t drink alcohol and I want nothing to do with drugs.)

It took me years even after his death to forgive him. Sometimes I find myself thinking about the ” what ifs”and resentment starts to creep in. BUT I found the joy in my pain!

What if I had indeed had a relationship with my broken father. Would I also be severely damaged? Would I be an alcoholic? Would I sell drugs? Would I run the streets? Would the generational curses creep over to me?

That’s when my healing began. That’s when I realized that this whole time my father was indeed protecting me . Wait let me back up and clarify father for you all. When I say father I mean the one above! The creator of all things! My father above was protecting me from that lifestyle.

But let me wrap this up before Carter realizes that I’m not in the bed anymore …. Ladies and gentlemen before you make a joke about someone having daddy issues, think about the pain that we’ve endured and still face from time to time.  Put yourself in our shoes .. cropped-sunflowers-in-the-dark.png

 

 

 

 

Depressions, Growth, Nurturing, Sunflowers, Uncategorized

The meaning of a Sunflower

I’ve always wanted to get my story across to try to bring awareness to females who may be facing the issues that I faced or lets be real that I STILL AM facing lol. So I thought about it and I said “Why not start a blog! You hate talking to people so write down your thoughts” and here I am!

You’re probably wondering “why did she name her blog after Sunflowers?” For years I hated flowers, no matter what kind, especially roses. I hated anything that you had to nurture, hence why I never wanted kids lol. Nurturing just wasn’t my kind of party. Mainly because I was never taught how to nurture and I wasn’t nurtured. Every time my now husband would buy me flowers, I’d just sit them in the vase and let them wither away. Then one time someone told him “the way she treats those flowers is the way she will treat you” and it was true and I hated her for telling him that because it exposed the type of person that I was deep down; broken. But that’s a blog for another day lol. But back to the Sunflowers, lets fast forward to the new me, the GROWTH!  I choose sunflowers because of the symbolic meaning behind them.

Symbolic Meanings of the Sunflower

  • Focus
  • Faith
  • Good Luck
  • Magic
  • Healing
  • Worship
  • Longevity
  • Nourishment
  • Flexibility
  • Spiritual knowing

You see that highlighted word?? HEALING! ** praiise

For many years , I was broken. I contemplated suicide, running away, battled depression, suffered losses, feeling unloved, just the whole sha-bang and yes all of these will be included in upcoming blogs lol. My goal is to bring awareness to these topics that isn’t  talked about much in our community.

… My baby is crying to be nursed. So I shall return later this week :).